lauren laughs

I was talking with my Spiritual Director yesterday.  She asked me, “when have you felt closest to Jesus lately?”  It’s not the first time she’s posed this question.  I told her about several recent runs where I felt especially close to God.  It’s not the first time I’ve answered her with running stories.

And that got me thinking–I’m not ready to finish this marathon on Saturday.  I don’t want to finish.

When Aimee died 8 months ago, I grieved a little, but I mostly made sure I was too busy to grieve too much all at once.  Like a runner, I was pacing myself.  But when it came time to train for my first marathon, my grieving moved to the forefront.  I’ve had countless conversations with Aimee while logging hundreds of miles.  I asked her if she was mad about missing Allie’s first college parents’ weekend–and can you be angry in heaven?  I pointed out things to her on my runs that I knew would make her laugh.  I asked a lot of “why’s” and sighed a lot of “Lord have mercy’s.”  I said a lot of “thank you’s” along with “I miss you’s.”

Add to that the overwhelming support I have received in the shape of encouraging words, donations to fight colon cancer, phone calls to check in, teammates and coaches pushing me to new levels… as much grief as I’ve been carrying around, I have felt almost weightless with the help of my friends and Aimee’s friends.  And with the help of Aimee, no doubt.

So I have to say, knowing I should be finishing this thing about 60hrs from now, I’m not ready yet.  I’m scared I’ll feel lonely and sad.  I’m scared I’ll lose Aimee all over again.  And I know it’s going to be an awesome commemoration of an awesome person, made even more special by the fact that I’ll be running with Aimee’s family and friends close by.  I know this is a really good and positive and amazing thing we’ve done together–all of us.  And I know I’ll want to celebrate that.  But I just need to be honest that this is going to be hard.  And I miss my friend.

And I’m going to run my heart out for her.