Author Archives: lauholder

Eat Me

My friend Farrell was a little shocked when I emailed her a file entitled “Eat Me” for her to print out.  “You sure this is your sermon?” she yelled from her computer into the guest room where I was staying.  “Yeah.  It makes sense if you read it.  Jesus tells us to eat him in the Gospel passage for today.”  I walked into the kitchen where she sat looking at the screen, one eyebrow raised.  “OK then…” she hit print.

(OT—Proverbs 9:1-6; Epistle—Ephesians 5:15-20; Gospel—John 6:51-58)

Christ Episcopal Church, Charlotte, NC.  August 19, 2012, 5pm Service

Prayer—May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, oh God, my rock and my redeemer.  Amen.

You would think that going to seminary would make writing a sermon easier—that a year of studying scripture and theology and history and Greek would somehow make the words flow onto my paper and out of my mouth.  You would think.

Instead when I engage today’s readings, especially the Gospel passage from John, I am stumped on how to preach it.  While looking closely at the Greek text for this passage is interesting for a geek like me, and while my class on Judaism certainly shapes the way I read this, and while I am especially intrigued by the personification of Wisdom in the reading from Proverbs I may pull in later, none of this provides a good enough take-away.  None of it provides a morsel we can continue to wrestle with throughout the week.  And that is what I’m aiming for—some wrestling time.

Our passage begins today with Jesus saying some interesting things about himself: “I am the living bread that came down from heaven.  Whoever eats of this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”  Now hold on a minute, Jesus.  Here you are, teaching in the middle of a synagogue in Capernaum, and you mean to tell a bunch of Jews that, “Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood have eternal life?!?”  Don’t you know that “flesh eaters” in Hebrew tradition were considered the devil, and that consuming blood was strictly against kashrut laws outlined in Genesis, Leviticus and Deuteronomy??  What is going on?

Of course Jesus would have known all these things.  He wasn’t teaching in the synagogue as in imposter.  Jesus is called “rabbi, teacher” because of his extensive knowledge and practice of Judaism.

John’s Gospel begins with a beautiful depiction of Jesus coming to us: “And the Word became flesh and lived among us.”  God incarnate.  God with skin on.  The Word made flesh.  And in the Hebrew tradition, the words “flesh and blood” together connote the whole person.  “Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood…” I’m giving my whole self to you.

Why would Jesus offer his whole self to us?  “Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me, and I in them.”  Don’t you just love that word, “abide.”  And yeah the flesh eating and blood drinking that prefaces it is kinda gross to think about, but I think maybe Jesus is trying to get our attention, trying to get the attention of those in the synagogue, trying to say, “HEY!  Pay attention!  This is different—this is set apart—you are set apart.  I’m offering you something more.”  God incarnate, dwelling among us, abiding in us, and us in God.

But why do we have to eat it?  It’s a weird questions, I know.  But how can we come to the table tonight without asking, why?

I’m sure many people could answer this question many ways, but I want to focus on three things: sacrifice, participation and thanksgiving.

First: the sacrifice.  In order for Jesus to say, “eat my flesh and drink my blood,” he must be offering himself as a sacrifice.  This is not a new concept, but I want to look today at this idea of sacrifice from the Jewish perspective Jesus would have known well.  Lets look at the holiest of days in the Jewish tradition: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  One of the Yom Kippur traditions during Jesus’ time would have been to take a goat and a bull, both without blemish, to transfer the sins of the priest’s family onto the bull, and the sins of the people onto the goat, and then sacrifice them both. The blood from these sacrifices was then taken to cleanse the holiest part of the temple.  Here’s the point—while blood is not typically something Jews would want to mess with, when offered as a sacrifice, blood is cleansing.  And Jesus is offering himself in sacrifice.  His blood is not offensive, it is cleansing.  We can’t ignore the sacrifice when we come to this table.

Second: our participation.  Jesus was teaching.  People were listening.  We do a lot of listening too.  We listen to talk-radio, to our friends, our mentors, our enemies even.  But you know that expression, “drink the kool-aid?”  How often do we do that?  How often are we all-in—actually ingesting what we hear and see so that it becomes part of us and we participate in it?  That is what Jesus is inviting us to do.  Words are important, but they only get us so far.  Jesus is the Word made flesh.  And he invites us to “drink the kool-aid” and participate in this Jesus movement.  To be all-in.  This isn’t just talking about Jesus, putting a Jesus bumper sticker on our car, posting Jesus-ism on our facebook walls.  This is feeding the poor.  Clothing the naked.  Caring for the widow and the orphan.  Welcoming the stranger.  Loving our enemy.  “Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me and I in them.”  We can’t ignore the participation this table demands.

Finally: thanksgiving.  Did you know the word Eucharist means thanksgiving?  Our reading from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians today basically says be wise, understand the will of the Lord, give thanks together.  Paul seems to think that giving thanks together, in fellowship, in communion, is a key component to being wise and understanding the will of the Lord.  How are we to be wise?  Let’s ask Wisdom…

Another of the readings in our lectionary today, but not in our programs, is from Proverbs.  It was written before Jesus’ time and is presumably a passage Jesus would have been familiar with.  It’s short, so I’ll read it to you:

Wisdom has built her house,

   she has hewn her seven pillars.

She has slaughtered her animals, she has mixed her wine,

   she has also set her table.

She has sent out her servant girls, she calls

   from the highest places in the town,

“You that are simple, turn in here!”

   To those without sense she says,

“Come, eat of my bread

   and drink of my wine I have mixed.

Lay aside immaturity, and live,

   and walk in the way of insight.”

Wisdom calls out to those lacking her and says, “Come to my table and eat your fill!  Pull up a chair, there is room for everyone, eat and be satisfied.  Eat and live.”

Be wise, Paul says.  Come to the table, says Wisdom.

Understand the will of the Lord, Paul says.  Feast on me so that we can abide in one another, says the Lord.

Give thanks, Paul says.  It is in giving thanks that we are wise.  It’s in giving thanks that we understand the will of the Lord.  It is in giving thanks that we come to this table.

So come.  Remember, participate, and live in thanksgiving.  Amen.

of chickens and pickles

I have yet to post anything about the anti-gay Chik-Fil-A controversy. Over the past two weeks, I think we’ve all seen more fast-food fury than we would like. People are up in arms. And while it may seem a little overboard, and I’m getting tired of the FB status updates like anyone else, what can’t be ignored is the anger and fear expressed on both sides. People are making a big stink about this because it is a big issue in our country today. Perhaps the biggest social issue.

I find Chik-Fil-A’s stance on homosexuality to be hateful and biblically misleading. The president of the company certainly has the right to say what he did and to spend the company’s money as he chooses. I make choices with my money too. I choose to buy our produce from a local farmer every Monday because I believe it supports my community. I chose to buy products from environmentally responsible companies because I believe it benefits our planet. And I choose not to buy chicken and pickle sandwiches at Chik-Fil-A because I believe the company’s stance on humanity is detrimental to our society.

It’s not that I think Chik-Fil-A can’t have an opinion, it’s just that I too am entitled to my own opinion. And I can use my purchasing power just like they can (albeit on a much smaller scale).

Am I in favor of vandalizing property in response? No. Do I think they should be outlawed from cities? Not unless they discriminate in their hiring process (which is legal in more than half the US). And I am certainly as disappointed with hate on the left as I am with hate on the right.

Here’s the deal. Marriage equality isn’t going away. We are going to find new ways to debate this topic every day. And each debate can be an opportunity to learn more about each other.

As a liberal follower of Christ and lover of God’s diversity manifested in creation, I pray that we can respond in a way that points to Truth and Light.

I hope more chicken franchises will put pickles on their chicken sandwiches. I’m gonna miss those pickles. And I hope my more conservative friends making biblical arguments will read up on their Source. Mostly I believe Love can win and is winning–despite our hate.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5.

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keeping up

This has been my strategy of late: just keep up.  Usually that is the case when I am in school–as much as I plan to get ahead of my work any given semester, I always find that keeping up is the best I can do. 

Keeping up takes on a slightly different meaning in running.  It’s not that I’m falling behind my work, it’s that I don’t know how hard to work.  I struggle to pace myself in a race, at a workout, on a long run, or an easy run.  Last Saturday I raced the Central Park Conservancy 4-miler.  In my head I thought I should maybe shoot for 7:40 pace since I had run a 5k at 7:37 pace the week before.  I wore my garmin, but I was going on feel–only checking pace at mile splits.  After getting through the first half mile with minimal weaving (thanks for the tip Tanya!) I tucked in behind two dudes that seemed to be about my pace.  Sure enough, 7:40 first mile.  But then the second mile was 7:30–eek.  I knew I couldn’t sustain 7:30 for two more miles, so I pulled back a bit and found a new focal point to chase after.  3rd mile was slower, 4th mile was faster, and I finished up in 30:40.  A 1:30 PR and 7:40 pace on the nose… but only because I picked out runners to keep up with. 

Fast forward to Tuesday night’s speed workout.  I showed up to UA nervous because a) speed work is still new to me, and b) I’d never done 1000m repeats before.  In my head I guessed I should shoot for around 4 minutes a rep, and the UA coaches confirmed that would be a good goal.  But then the coaches told us all to dial it back a notch given the heat and humidity.  Still, I didn’t know what 1000m felt like, much less a 4-minute 1000m.  GO!!  I tucked in with a couple of girlfriends and just told myself to keep up with them.  Finished up in 4:11, then 4:06, then 4:16, and finally 4:08.  While I didn’t accomplish Jay’s goal for me to make my last repeat the fastest, I felt good about my splits.  More than anything, I felt grateful for girls to keep up with.

You can only keep up with respect to something (or in this case someone) else.  You keep up with a syllabus or a deadline or a teammate.  I think once you have kids, you keep up with them–or at least try to.  I’m really glad I like the people I’m trying to keep up with.

love, runs, heartache and not-runs

Jay and I just returned from one glorious week in the real upstate, as we like to call it.  My third summer in the Finger Lakes did not disappoint.  Jay’s sister Julie gave us the perfect excuse to drop all the things stressing us out in NYC and escape to the countryside.  She got married.

Highlights of Julie’s wedding include: her attention to detail in making every moment personal and true to her style, Jay’s beautiful solo at the ceremony despite not performing music in years, the family I count myself blessed to be part of, and just the fun of it all–especially watching Jay and Julie’s dad cut a rug like we never knew he could!  Julie and her husband Brian have been together for seven years now, so this was one of those weddings where you just sit back, relax, and watch love unfold.  They are tried and true together.

While upstate, I got to run.  I ran 3 miles of trails near Jay’s house, 8 miles of rolling hills near the cottage at Port Bay (Jay borrowed a neighbor’s bike and rode beside me the whole time to keep me hydrated, safe, and entertained), 4 miles along that same road, and finally a 5k race at Sodus Bay.  The Lighthouse 5k is a 4th of July tradition in the Holder household.  Truthfully, I was dreading it a bit.  It’s a hot and hilly course that starts later than I’d like.  I failed to finish this same race 2 years ago and the “DNF” cloud was hanging heavy over my head Wednesday morning.  Add to that the fact that my last 2 races have been ably paced by friends–this time I’d be running solo.  In the end, I was pleased with the results.  I barely missed 3rd in my age group, but I was a top-ten female finisher–goals like these are reasonable in little races!

Jay’s running days are another story.  After over 2-months of IT Band Syndrome, he has seen 3 false-starts and little improvement.  This means he a) lacks a much needed release after working long hours at an extremely stressful job, b) misses the social outlet that his team provides, and c) struggles to feel like himself when so much of his identity is tied up in running.  After sober consideration and some soul searching, Jay made the difficult decision to back out of the Philadelphia marathon this November that he planned to run with all his Charlotte buddies.  He’ll still be there for the reunion and to give support, but competing is out of the question.  Needless to say, we’ve had some gloomy moments in the Holder household.

We celebrate and we pout.  Gladness and sorrow, sickness and health… at least we’re leaning into our vows.

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fartlek

It’s a funny word, and therefore one I like to use.  Apparently it means “speed play” in Swedish, but it’s essentially geek-speak for a structured interval workout. 

Today was my first fartlek.  While I have run intervals before (speeding up to anaerobic pace during a run, then returning to normal aerobic pace), I can’t say I’ve ever run them with much structure.  Today’s run was supposed to be 4 miles with 6×300 meters thrown in the middle, but since the West Side Highway doesn’t have 300’s marked along the way, Jay told me to do 6x1min instead (based on my 150 and 200 meter times last week).  After warming up for a mile, I set the timer on my watch to beep at me after 1 minute.  I pressed “start” and then ran my heart out until it beeped, slowed my pace for 1 minute, and then ran my heart out again.  I lost count half way through and figured out later I added a 7th interval, but I still covered the same distance, so no worries. 

And there you have it.  My first fartlek.  Glad it was so cool at 5:45am, but bummed I had to do it solo.  I’ll start doing speed work with Jay’s team (I’m still hesitant to claim it for myself) when we return from Julie’s wedding.  I anticipate it will be more challenging AND more fun to work out with other people. 

All of this to ensure that I’m actually in shape enough to enjoy the marathon in November.  One step closer to my fundraising and distance goal. 

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pride and pampering

It’s Gay Pride month, and this weekend is the culmination of all things GAY in NYC.  There’s a lot to celebrate in NYC (marriage equality was legalized this past year) and there is need to celebrate too.  I think celebration leads to awareness, learning and togetherness–it’s why we celebrate birthdays every year and Eucharist every week (or every day in some cases)!

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post-race recovery snack with gay sprinkles

In any case, I ran the 5-mile PRIDE race put on by the Front Runners (LGBT running club) and sponsored by Urban Athletics (the store Jay runs for and the team I’ll be joining shortly).  The course is said to be a fast one because the Harlem Hills are in the first mile so you get the worst out of the way early on.  Yesterday our friend/teammate Tanya offered to run with me.  Tanya is way faster than I am, but she was scheduled to do 50 minutes “easy” so it was a perfect match.  I took her up on her offer.

Before the start I told Tanya I was shooting for 8:05 to 8:10 pace.  I had run a 4-mile race with Tanya, her boyfriend Josh and Jay at 8:03 pace 2 weeks prior.  While I had two more weeks of training under my belt, this course was 1 mile longer.  8:05 seemed reasonable.

Just as we were about to cross the start mats, I looked at my Garmin to press start, but my screen changed at that very moment–I’d have to reconnect to satellites, etc.  Shoot.  Tanya said we’d just go by her watch instead, and she had set her “virtual partner” to 8:00 pace.  This was actually a God-send as I couldn’t keep checking my pace and instead had to go by feel and trust Tanya’s coaching.

Let me just say, Tanya is a rock star.  I learned so much running with her today.  In the first few minutes, she told me not to waste my energy weaving through runners trying to get ahead.  “You’ll make up time when it thins out and you’re running faster than you realize anyway.”  When it was time to weave some, she’d run ahead of me to clear the way.  She set goals for me, “See that rock?  That’s half way up the hill.”  She coached me on breathing, telling me not to work so hard on the down hills, but to let gravity do its job while I just concentrated on slower breathing to bring my heart-rate down.  She ran ahead of me at water stops to bring me water.  I was totally spoiled.  Add to that encouraging remarks along the way, as well as when to slow up a bit so I’d have gas in the tank for the end, when to pick it up in the last half mile, and when to go all out.  The end result was a perfect race at 7:54 pace and a sub-40 minute finish.  We were both pretty pumped.

Sadly, Jay missed my finish.  We were just too fast.

After the race, Jay and I discussed my ongoing training as we walked to the West side of Central Park.  My next race is a 5k at Sodus Point on July 4th.  It’s a Holder family tradition.  I confessed it would be hard to push myself on my own after being pampered with coaching and pacing help the past two races.  It’s a hot and hilly course.  But obviously Jay’s coaching (with help from friends) is paying off, so I’ll just keep rolling with it.  This is the most fun stage of training because you can see the results from week to week.  Soon I’ll plateau on speed and the excitement will be about reaching new mileage goals instead.  At least I hope that stage will be an exciting one!

For now, I’m a proud LGBT advocate and a pampered runner.

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holy moses: cpe

This summer is the summer of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) and it is pretty much all my seminary friends and I can talk about. It is eating my life away. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful–it is an honor to be at the heart of so much vulnerability and I am learning a great deal thanks to my patients and peers. But CPE is a doozy. One day feels like three, even on days I’m not on-call.

This week my supervisor had to put his dog Moses down. Given Jay’s and my recent move to the 1st floor of our building to accommodate our dog-child Pepper, I can appreciate the devotion of a four-legged friend and the tragedy of loosing a pet.

I am dealing with a loss of a different sort–loosing patients. I’ve had one patient die, one patient move to a hospice center to die, and one patient go home to live. Ok, I’ve had lots of patients go home–but the two patients I lost this week (to hospice and home) were two I was especially close with after days and weeks of being together. The patient who went home even called the chaplaincy office and left a voice mail for “Lorena” (as my Latino patients sometimes call me) to say thanks for the care this patient received. I wanted to say thanks back, but staying in touch is not an option.

For as much as I am loosing in CPE (patients, energy, my mind) I am clearly gaining a lot as well. Gracias a Dios.

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crustless csa quiche

Jay and I are psyched that our CSA farmer is back in business for the summer.  Nothing like a weekly supply of locally grown farm-fresh produce to get you excited about cooking in a kitchenette.  This week included some beets, swish chard and spring onions (among other things) that I thought would be tasty in a quiche.  I found a creative recipe on one of my favorite cooking blogs and changed it up to suit our needs.

Here’s what we used:

5 beets (thinly sliced)

2 tsp of olive oil

green stalks of spring onions (chopped)

1 bunch of Swiss chard, thinly sliced (about 6 cups)

4 eggs

1 cup Greek yogurt

little bit of almond milk

1 ounce of goat cheese

pinch of nutmeg

fresh ground pepper

We greased a pie dish with some vegan butter (it’s what we had) and layered thinly sliced beets to cover the bottom (and sides if you have enough).  We sauteed the chopped onion in olive oil over medium heat for a few minutes before adding 3 handfuls of chopped chard (no stems). While the chard was cooking we mixed the egg, yogurt and a splash of milk.  After the chard wilted a bit (2-3 minutes), we removed it from the heat and added nutmeg and some pepper.  We poured the egg mixture and chard over the beets and then sprinkled goat cheese on top.  Couple of turns of ground pepper, and the quiche was ready to bake at 375F for 30 minutes.

It was delicious.

Note that if your beets are pretty juicy, you can throw them in the oven (already sliced in the pie dish) for 10 minutes while preparing every thing else to dry them out a bit.

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runderwear

You may or may not know that I accidentally signed myself up for the NYC marathon this fall.  I put my name in the lottery without even telling Jay, thinking it would be pretty funny if I got in and surprised him later on.  Well I did get in, and we were both surprised.  After recovering from the initial shock, I got pretty excited about a) running such an epic race, and b) running it for a cause.  It took 0.03 seconds to think of a cause–colon cancer–the disease that killed one of my dearest friends in March.  I’ve already raised almost $2k of my $5k goal for the “Get Your Rear In Gear” organization, honoring my friend Aimee and her family that I love so.  More on that here.

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we’re serious about kicking cancer’s butt

It just so happens that Get Your Rear In Gear had a 4-mile race in Prospect Park this weekend.  A few weeks back we hatched a plan with our friends/teammates Josh and Tanya to run said race in our underwear.  In other cities there are races where all participants run in their underwear to raise awareness of colon cancer and to promote the more open communication about… poop.  Colon cancer is finding younger victims all the time.  Since screening doesn’t usually take place until age 50, everyone needs to talk to the doctors about their bowels early and often.

And so we ran in colorful men’s briefs.  It took more courage than I anticipated, but no one even flinched at our get-up.  It is Brooklyn after all.

My goal pace for this race was 8:10-8:15.  Jay, Josh and Tanya all ran with me despite their far superior speed abilities.  Considering Jay’s IT band injury, I was grateful he could run at all.  They let me set the pace and I went out too fast.  Josh told me I was running 7:34 so we dialed it back.  The second mile was the hardest with a big hill in the middle.  Maybe the hill wasn’t too big, but it felt big after training on the flats of the West Side Highway.  At the end of mile three, I was pretty much spent.  Jay said, “One more mile.  The purpose of this workout is to have nothing left when you cross the finish.”  I told him I already had nothing left.  He responded, “Make this last mile 8:05 or faster.”  When I told him that wouldn’t be happening, he said I had to believe I could do it, at which point I said, “I love you, but I need you to shut up.”  He did shut up, but he also 2-stepped me the rest of the way, resulting in a 7:48 last mile.  I finished the race in 32:11 averaging 8:03 pace.  My comrades’ efforts had carried me farther than I thought I could go.  We were all pretty pumped.

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aimee would give the magenta briefs a thumbs-up too

There were several cool things about this race.  1) It’s great to know that my training (and Jay’s coaching) is paying off.  I want to be in shape enough for the marathon to enjoy it.  2) To see so many people passionate about ending colon cancer was truly awesome.  I had to fight back tears as one woman shared her story about losing her sister at age 33.  Several times in the race when Tanya could tell I was losing steam, she’d say, “Remember your friend Aimee.”  Jay and I both wore “Running in memory of Aimee” bibs on our backs.  I miss her.  3) At some point during all of this I turned to Jay and said, “We have arrived.”  To have friends in NYC who are willing to run in underwear and support me in this cause is a BIG deal to us both.

While we were quick to change out of our runderwear after the race, we did decide to hang on to our bright briefs just in case.  You never know when you might need to run in skivvies.  We’ll be ready.

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greater and lesser jihad

I’m on a peace kick.  I pretty much think and pray about how to bring more peace into the world all the time.  And I think about the tagline of this blog: “To seek and to be light.”

I’m writing a paper answering “What is the Muslim view of Peace?” and I have been struck by what jihad really means (struggle), and the difference between lesser and greater jihad.  The Prophet Muhammad basically said that the inner struggle is the greater jihad, and the struggle for social justice is the lesser jihad.

M. R. Bawa Muhaiyadeen, a modern Muslim spiritual master, explained this intentional juxtaposition thus:

“Be in the state of God’s peacefulness and try to give peace to the world.  Be in the state of God’s unity and then try to establish unity in the world.  When you exist in the state of God’s actions and conduct and then speak with Him, that power will speak with you.”

Aha.  Yes.  Something to post by my bed or on my mirror–perhaps on my calendar.  For as much as I am eager to learn all I can, hoping accrue as many peace-making tools as possible, I must not learn at the expense of intentionally being with God in both peace and unity.

Thank you, Islam, for giving this Christian perspective as we head into the final weeks of the term.

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