lauren laughs

today’s missionary training included a hostage-taking simulation. first we were hiding out, then we were caught, then we had to choose which 3 hostages could be let go, then we were told they couldn’t go and that we had to choose 2 people to be executed. i volunteered because i don’t have a family back home to worry about… no one depending on me. the guys said they didn’t feel comfortable with a girl getting shot. so i stayed put while tony and nick were taken. we heard two shots fired. our captors came back and demanded two more hostages to be executed. gabe and i both got up to go. i had to push people out of the way. it was all a blur. i laid on the ground… two more shots fired. the simulation ended.
the strange thing is, i was really at peace about being killed. i mean, i knew i wouldn’t really be shot, so that’s part of it, but i felt that it was better for me to be shot than anyone else in the group. and as i waited on the ground for the shots to be fired, i thought of everyone i’d be leaving behind… my friends and family… and i really trusted that they knew my love for them and hoped they’d be confident of the peace i felt when killed.
what an odd thing to think about.
in other not-simulated news, that biopsy i got a while back (i posted about getting stitches) yielded “suspicious” results. i have to have another biopsy tomorrow to see what’s up. my boss won’t let me leave until all is resolved, so please pray for a speedy and favorable report! gracias.

former baltimoron mollie, aka rockstar (and other nicknames i won’t publish here), whisked me away to denver last weekend. the timing was perfect, as she celebrated her birthday friday. we had dinner with her newly married friends anna and michael friday night, who taught me the glories of whatever that super popular guitar video game is. awesome. i’m a skeptic no more.

saturday we were supposed to hike just a short “2 miles” up to bear lake near mt. evans. now, having been in colorado for only a week, i was a little concerned about adjusting to the altitude… but i figured i could handle an easy 2 miles in and 2 miles out. after hiking for an hour, however, i began to question the distance in earnest. i didn’t ask for clarification, i just kept my slow pace and kept drinking water. turns out we were actually hiking about 5 miles in. ooooh. right. here’s the thing, though: if i had known the total distance would exceed 9 miles, i would have stayed home to read and write thank you notes. if i had known an hour into the hike that we were only half way to our destination, i might have turned around. lesson being, sometimes not knowing is a good thing. in this case, it kept me from underestimating myself. i wonder how many other times we could say that about life? my guess is, plenty. maybe that’s part of why God doesn’t give us the whole picture at once, as frustrating as that can be at times.

i also met a bunch of mollie’s “scum” friends… peeps she’s met through her church in denver, which is actually called “scum of the earth church.” the name comes from 1 corinthians 4:11-13. they take small groups to a whole new level, with names like “army of dorkness” (that’s the comic book club) and “we’re bad a everything” (full of people trying to get better at things). you can see pics of mollie’s friends (including her ex if you look closely at captions) in my summer album.

so i’m at “missionary camp” outside colorado springs for 3 weeks. i know some of you think, ‘colorado springs… christian mecca! i love focus on the family!’ and others of you think, ‘ew. gross!’ needless to say, as much as colorado is like home to me (after coming here with my mom’s family every summer for years and years), i’m definitely out of my comfort zone. to an extent, that’s the point. i’m here to learn about how to “deal” in other cultures. how to be uncomfortable and be me and be healthy. how to communicate and how to constructively face conflict. well, being with 39 other adults and their 20+ kids is definitely not the culture i’m akin to.
i know some of what i say here could bite me in the butt later (like, if my friends here read my blog one day), but i’m going to be honest about my first impressions anyway. bare with me.

first, let me say, this training is VERY good. i’m glad i’m here.
now let me say, i am a fish out of water! everyone here went to Bible college. almost everyone. why? they’ve known they were called to missions since they were in the womb. well, almost. now i’m sure there are some really great things about Bible colleges. i’m sure i’d learn a lot if i attended one. i know my friends here have cultivated skills that will aid them in the field and i’ll wish i had that training too. BUT… how in the world can you go out into the world and know the world and meet the world and love the world if you’ve studied in a bubble? we talk a lot about building relationships here, and i’m glad we all agree it’s important, but i have to wonder… how are you going to build relationships when you can’t find other christians in the field to be your friends? when you have to branch out? and isn’t that the point??
granted, i’m over generalizing a bit to demonstrate a point. but it is a concern i have. and it does make me exceedingly grateful for my community back home, made up of all kinds of people.
and i welcome your feedback (especially from my friends here, if you ever read this) since confrontation is an opportunity for expression and growth 🙂
pictured are the tracks i cross over to get to the santa fe trail, in my backyard. it’s great to walk out the door and be able to hike every day.

jenny, carolyn, katie, michelle, me, lorraine, diane, laura and amy all met for dinner on the roof deck of carolyn’s house a week ago. we were wrapping up discussions on our book, “revelations of a single woman: loving the life i didn’t expect.” ironically, no one actually finished the book except for jesse (not pictured), who is married. it’s a great book, i just lost momentum. still, i’d recommend it to a friend.

anyway, more importantly, i love these girls. together with christina, anne marie, anna, christy, and others not present last week, we’ve really developed a group of young women who can speak openly with one another about life and faith. i wonder what that will look like when i leave (on august 7, yes, i fly out on my birthday). will i find an authentic community in cotonou? i’m not even sure what this group back home will look like 2 months from now. already, anna and christy have moved to other countries. soon i’ll do the same, along with carolyn and anne marie.
things change even when you stay put.

in response to susanne’s “attacking missionary” comment(s)…
indeed i did wrestle with her at metro. and won, i think.
chris drove all the way up from richmond to say goodbye (and take my vacuum). i like the full beard a lot. he just returned from the sudan… you should see his pictures.
all the hamilton cousins (minus my brothers) got together in san antonio this weekend for cousin catherine’s wedding. here are erin, bev, emily, lily, mere, cat, jamie, me and blake.
and here’s the beautiful bride, but you should go to her photographer’s blog to really see just how beautiful she is. wow. artful stuff.

my life as a nomad has begun. eric, adam and andy all helped me clear out my house on sunday (thanks guys!) and dad drove it all home to virginia.
now i’m living in the basement at farhan and roohi’s (the coolest room in the house) where i get to eat all the paki food my heart desires and i can walk across the street to erin and brians in my pj’s. it’s awesome. another benefit is i can make fun of farhan more often. like the other night when he learned that the 12 days of christmas song does not include a partridge in a pantry. go figure.

i split my pants yesterday.
that is all.

that’s how close i am to being fully funded for the field! ahhh! i got the news just as “share the well” by caedmon’s call started playing on my computer. this song actually helped inform my decision to enter missions. here are the lyrics:

Share the well, share with your brother
Share the well my friend
It takes a deeper well to love one another
Share the well my friend

Do you think the water knows
Flowing down the mountain thaw
Finally to find repose
For any soul who cares to draw
Some kindred keepers of this Earth
On their way to join the flow
Are cast aside and left to thirst
Tell me now it is not so

Share the well, share with your brother
Share the well my friend
It takes a deeper well to love one another
Share the well my friend

All God’s creatures share the water hole
The blessed day the monsoon comes
And in His image we are woven
Every likeness every one
From Kashmir to Karala
Under every banyan tree
Mothers for their children cry
With empty jar and bended knee

Share the well, share with your brother
Share the well my friend
It takes a deeper well to love one another
Share the well my friend

You know I’ve heard good people say
There’s nothing I can do
That’s half a world away
Well maybe you’ve got money
Maybe you’ve got time
Maybe you’ve got the Living Well
That ain’t ever running dry

Share the well, share with your brother
Share the well my friend
It takes a deeper well to love one another
Share the well my friend

click the “feed me” link to the right if you want to share with me in benin… only $266 a month more to go!

it’s been ages since i’ve posted on phos. it really does require making time, but being intentional is good. something i need to work on.

one reason abiding with Christ in God’s love is important is because it’s how God speaks to us. here’s a passage on guidance i’m copying from e. stanley jones’ abundant living. lorraine lent me the book. this a long and a good read…

if guidance gives to life a sense of mission and the sense of accountability every moment, then how does God guide us?

i suppose the great problem to God is how to guide us and not override us. He must guide us and develop us as persons at the same time. to lead us and at the same time produce initiative in us is a task worthy of divine wisdom. that task is the problem of every thinking parent. many parents are benevolent tyrants, snuffing out initiative and personality. guidance must be such that each person is guided into a free, self-choosing, creative personality.

to do this God will guide in many ways, awakening the personality to aliveness and alertness of mind and spirit to His hidden leadings. God’s leadings should be sufficiently obvious to be found, but not so obvious as to do away with the necessity of thought and discriminating insight. they must be “an open secret”–open, yet sufficiently secret to make us dig.

God will guide us in one or more or all of these ways: (1) He gives general guidance through the character and person of Christ. Christ lets us know what God is like, and, therefore, what we must be like. (2) He guides us through the collective experience of the Church–the corporate wisdom gathered through the ages. (3) He guides through the counsel for good people. (4) He guides through opening providences–matching us against some opening opportunity or need. (5) He guides through natural law and its discoveries through science. (6) He guides through a heightened moral intelligence and insight–we become personalities who are capable of exercising sound moral judgments. (7) He guides us through the direct voice of the Spirit within us–He speaks to us in unmistakable terms in the depths of our being.

the probabilities are that God will guide us in more than one of these ways, lest one method narrow us.

told you it was long. but really… wouldn’t spending time in the intentionally conscious presence of God make it easier to be guided? i mean, God is omni-present, but we’re not omni-aware. intentional abiding is what’s needed.

and i love the room for creativity.

maybe you’ve felt this way before. you leave the country or just get out of your comfort zone for several weeks… at least a month… and you return unable to articulate how you are and what you’ve seen and experienced. it’s a frustrating feeling. i’ve had it several times before.

but i’m surprised to find that’s how i feel now too. i was gone just less than a month, and only 1.5 weeks of that was spent out of the country. the other two weeks were in sleepy-town, indiana. nothing that uncomfortable, right? i didn’t have to learn a new language. i hardly used the public transportation systems. i didn’t eat any outrageous food.
and yet i’ve grown a lot the past month. growing is good, but it makes the return a little awkward. in australia, i had some much needed down-time to process and feel. that was good. in indiana, i made several new close friends and strengthened a few older relationships. now i’m finding that in some ways, those friends know me better than my friends at home. at least parts of me… the parts that grew while i was away.
and it’s not like i want to sit my friends down and say, “okay, this is what’s changed about me.” i just want to be. and i can be. i mean, friends do grow and change and that’s all fine and good.

anyway, it just took me by surprise.

the pictures above are of the yfc world outreach crew (missionaries and staffers too), acting crazy as usual… and the girls of our crew, who are so super cool.