Tag Archives: Waiting

just a taste

i tend to live out loud. keeps me authentic. it’s a lot easier to falsify aspects of life when you keep them hidden. so don’t be shocked when i say on my blog (and thus on facebook) that i saw my therapist today.

i really love my rock star of a shrink, who i’ll call juana. she helped me acclimate post-africa as i tried to remember my identity, and as i tried to re-learn emotions. i think she did a pretty good job. we met regularly last summer.

and we met once in january, in a moment of freaking out over how awkward my new dating relationship was, which ended shortly after. (no worries).

but i hadn’t seen her since. it’s not that i haven’t had my ups and downs… i have. but i am a) extremely self aware, b) practical, and c) an external processor. meaning i walk into a counseling session knowing exactly how i feel, understanding why i feel that way, and i’ve likely processed it with several girlfriends.

the current downer: i’m lonely.

on one level, it’s absolutely ridiculous. i have the most amazing friends, and lots of ’em. my social calendar is full. my work is fulfilling. life is balanced. life is good. God is great.

on another level, it makes perfect sense. there’s an empty space, and it is what it is.

so when i told my boss i was in a funk (i mean, he’s a priest, i can tell him anything)… he responded, “when’s the last time you talked to juana?”

i said, “dude, i know why i’m lonely.”

at which point he laughed and said, “oh, you do?”

“fine,” i said.

and i called juana.

she pretty much said what i expected… i’m not in need of real “therapy” because it’s ok to feel lonely. it’s real. it’s part of life. i’m aware, i’m balanced, i’m good to go.

but she did say one thing that kinda stood out… this little nugget will somehow help me cope… though i don’t know how… i just know it will.

basically, i’ve opened myself up to loneliness. i’ve allowed myself to be open to love, i’ve put myself out there, i’ve been crushed and broken and hurt, but i’ve also opened a door that i could-not-would-not open this time last year.

in a sense, it’s a good thing.

you know when you’re not really hungry, but then somebody gives you a bite of a cookie, and then suddenly your stomach starts growling and you’re like, ‘when’s dinner?!”

well that’s where i am right now. i didn’t know i was hungry. i had a little taste of something good, and now i’m eager for the main course.

i’m hungry, but not starving. lonely, but not desperate.

and somehow, that little juana-ism is like the sherbet they serve between courses… a pallet-cleanser of sorts. so i share it with you, free of charge. but i recommend you back it up with a strong dose of self-care if you feel you’re in the same boat. laughter, prayer, exercise, acupuncture, short-term attainable goals, pedicures, mountains, dogs and best friends come to mind.

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las solteras

i just got back from listening to the symphony at an outdoor amphitheater with half the city, including 3 of my lovely girlfriends. it was pretty much awesome. a “country” theme, with several singalong tunes. but even more awesome was the drama that one likely encounters as a single girl in the city.

here’s juanita’s story.

(don’t you just love how i hispanify all my names??)

so there we were, the 4 of us, sitting on a darling white table cloth with blue trim and yellow fruit accents (pears, maybe)… sipping wine from our lovely picnic basket that sloan dawg brought along (don’t know how to hispanify that name, but as a sidebar, sloan dawg and i met at one of these outdoor symphonies last year! aw, our little anniversary party…) when juanita noticed that her ex-boyfriend’s wife was sitting RIGHT next to us.

this was pretty much a non-issue till the ex’s daughter noticed juanita, screamed with delight, and proceeded to talk excitedly for 5 minutes… clearly STOKED to run into her dad’s former love.

mmm, see, the daughter is in high school.

because the ex is 55.

juanita is not 55.

after the show, the ex-wife walked up to us, understandably curious about the previous conversation and her daughter’s connection to some stranger.

she asked if we attended the same high school.

mmm… yeah. 3 of the 4 of us are in our 30’s. and 4 of the 4 of us were sipping wine. so, no. not high school buddies.

juanita gracefully stated she was a friend of the ex. at which point the ex-wife says, “oh, you didn’t date him, did you????!!!!” (clearly expecting a “no” response). juanita cannot tell a lie, so she sat there, mouth slightly open, searching for the right response… “um, it was a long time ago…” meanwhile, the horrified daughter shouted, “MOM!!!!”

oh well.

we (the girls, not the ex-wife) talked about the inconvenience of age differences. if only 55 were just a number. but it’s not. it’s got implications. bummer.

10 minutes later, some dude, some young dude, walked up to talk to us. too young. he gaped in disbelief to find he was 10 years younger than his target. he carded her to be sure. but as previously stated, juanita can only speak the truth. ah, the numbers game again.

in the end, juanita went home to her loyal loving dog, a tad short on drama. happy ending? it’s fuzzy math.

regardless, it was a good girls’ night out.

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rules shmules

you know, i really don’t want this to become some blog about my dating life, or lack thereof… i mean, that’s slightly petty to publish, right? but i’m in the midst of a dilemma, so i’m going to process via writing. forgive me.

let me interrupt my train of thought by saying there is nothing funnier than watching a big dog chase a tennis ball around the house on hard wood floors. thank God for pepper.

anyway, i’ve had a list of dating rules the past several years. a set of criteria for men to live up to in order for me to consider dating them. really, there are 4 plus 2 rules. like a bonus round.

1. most importantly… the guy has to love God. i’ve tried it otherwise, and it just never works. i have plenty of friends that this doesn’t apply to, but for whatever reason, dating is different.

2. he’s got to laugh. at himself, at me, at life… etc.

3. he’s got to be intelligent, preferably in a challenging way. not just some rocket scientist i can’t talk to.

4. he’s got to be well traveled… preferably having lived in another country, but i realize that’s asking a lot.

and then the “plus 2…”

a) i won’t date a guy closer to my mom’s age than my own (she is a young thing!)

b) i won’t date potential. that’s a toughy, b/c there’s always potential, but you got to date what’s real now.

now… some friends take issue with the well traveled thing. what if the guy has a desire to travel but just hasn’t been able to? can’t really hold that against him, right? and some friends have an issue with the God thing. is it enough if he just respects your religion? or if he’s spiritual? what if he does yoga? and some think you have to chose either travel or faith… that the two don’t mix… but then i am positive i’m not some freak of nature, and there’ve got to be at least 5 thousand other peeps in the world that love God and travel just like me.

but this weekend i was thinking… are all these rules just an effort to be in control? i mean, what’s the fun in some pre-packaged man? i certainly wouldn’t want anyone to put ME in a box! so i thought i’d just get rid of my rules. get out of the way of God’s sense of humor, you know?

but standards are a good thing, right?

what’s the difference?

i figure it’s better to ask these questions while i’m single.

i’m just thinkin’ out loud here.

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not the juan for me

deep down inside, i know i probably shouldn’t write this post… that it will bite me in the butt someday. but i’m going to anyway because i think it’s a good story. my fear is that it’ll come across as if i’m making fun of someone… of juan… but this is really a story of how i am a complete idiot.

see, i have this kinda outgoing personality. and sometimes that can be misconstrued as being flirtatious when i meet men. i suppose that was the case with juan, because he started calling me last week (after getting my number from a friend), making good conversation, and eventually asking when we could hang out.

now he never actually asked me on a date.

so i wasn’t sure about his intentions.

hence my entirely ridiculous response.

juan: you got plans thursday?
me: yep. going to a benefit.
juan: drinks afterward?
me: nope, may be out late.
juan: how about this weekend?
me: i’ve got a lock-in with my kids… really busy.
juan: sometime else?
me: i’m pretty much booked till mid-december.
juan: how about mornings?
me: mornings work. i can do that.

**awkward pause while i’m figuring out how to dodge a bullet i’m not sure exists**

me: um, juan, i gotta tell you… i don’t want to sound presumptuous, but i just have to let you know i’m not interested in dating you right now.

**shoot!! right now?? that doesn’t sound right?!?!**

me: errrr… or… ever.

**ahhh! what am i doing?!? or ever?!? how mean is that?!?!**

me: i mean, i know i sometimes send mixed messages unintentionally, so if that’s the message i’ve been sending, i just want to correct it.
juan: ok. are you seeing someone?
me: no.

**i’m the worst person ever!**

juan: ok. so you want to grab coffee friday?
me: sure!

**how can he be nice when i’m so mean?!?! why wasn’t i born knowing how to do this??**

and then we had a lovely coffee this morning. no real surprise there. he’s a great guy. smart, funny, conversational, nice, handsome. i’d set him up with one of my friends in a heartbeat. hey, there’s an idea…

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useless blither

stealing that one from furst.

i feel like i should post something today since it is election day and voting is important (get out the vote!)

i did vote, and my ballot would confuse just about anyone.

so rather than confuse you all as well, i’ll tell you about how much i like to go to the park.

i was dogsitting this past weekend. ollie is the best dog. i should take a picture next time i stay with him. for one, ollie is a great cuddler. he keeps my feet warm, but doesn’t get in my way… perfect. secondly, ollie sits and contemplates important things while i’m reading. he can be so stoic. he’s also my muse. he sat on my feet while i typed a paper sunday, and i’m convinced that’s why i finished the whole thing in one sitting.

ollie is also a smart ass. at one point, as i stretched out on the couch reading homework on a friday night, loving my class and the reading, but lamenting how it encroaches on my social life… i turned to ollie and said, “you know, even if i were to really like a guy… i don’t have time for a boyfriend.” ollie, in his infinite wisdom, rolled his eyes at me.

but this is supposed to be about parks, not dogs. ollie lives 2 doors down from one of the entrances to a great park. it is so much fun to walk there, and ollie is the perfect excuse. the breadth and depth of humanity you encounter at the park is amazing! all different people, all different shapes and sizes and colors. and dogs. everyone is so different, and yet they all come to the same spot. a spark of commonality between us all. and this weekend, with the especially lovely fall weather, i couldn’t help but be awed by the beauty of all God’s creation… the people, colors, smells, animals, sounds, feels… like it was one great big church.

and now i’ve said something about parks.

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lessons from a 14 year old

i was talking to one of my youth last week, discussing the high school dating scene over a cup of coffee (have i mentioned that i love my job?) at one point she said, “every one of my guy friends likes at least 3 girls. they just can’t make up their minds!” she was lamenting the fact that even her boyfriend was into other girls. and i thought, ah, poor high schoolers. they just don’t know what they want. i’m so glad that’s not MY dating scene any longer…

but perhaps i was wrong.

i visited my friend carolyn (and her wonder dog molly!) last friday in chapel hill. we met up with my rock star (literally) friend, alex wilkins, and then went to his gig at a bar across from UNC. it was fun.

but during the course of the night, a guy named ryan professed that i was his soul mate. maybe this is because we were talking about theology and linguistics in a bar. i mean, it is rare bar talk. but soul mate? and it was especially discouraging, as ryan happens to be ENGAGED. how can an engaged man mistake me for his soul mate? really?

the real kicker was when i came home to find an email from engaged-man-ryan, who i suppose found my email address on my blog, stating that he’s really a very nice and faithful guy, but that he’d like to start up a conversation type relationship with me. over email. and i’ll add that his email address seemed to have been made up, strictly for this purpose. s-k-e-t-c-h-y.

point being… do 14 year olds never grow up?

here i thought the “liking 3 girls at once” problem was reserved to the dramas of high school, but it doesn’t seem to be a safe assumption.

the evening still rocked, though, since i got to see carolyn AND even did an impromptu duet with alex. i’m lovin’ me some tambourine.

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