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Jul 06 2012
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love, runs, heartache and not-runs

Jay and I just returned from one glorious week in the real upstate, as we like to call it.  My third summer in the Finger Lakes did not disappoint.  Jay’s sister Julie gave us the perfect excuse to drop all the things stressing us out in NYC and escape to the countryside.  She got married.

Highlights of Julie’s wedding include: her attention to detail in making every moment personal and true to her style, Jay’s beautiful solo at the ceremony despite not performing music in years, the family I count myself blessed to be part of, and just the fun of it all–especially watching Jay and Julie’s dad cut a rug like we never knew he could!  Julie and her husband Brian have been together for seven years now, so this was one of those weddings where you just sit back, relax, and watch love unfold.  They are tried and true together.

While upstate, I got to run.  I ran 3 miles of trails near Jay’s house, 8 miles of rolling hills near the cottage at Port Bay (Jay borrowed a neighbor’s bike and rode beside me the whole time to keep me hydrated, safe, and entertained), 4 miles along that same road, and finally a 5k race at Sodus Bay.  The Lighthouse 5k is a 4th of July tradition in the Holder household.  Truthfully, I was dreading it a bit.  It’s a hot and hilly course that starts later than I’d like.  I failed to finish this same race 2 years ago and the “DNF” cloud was hanging heavy over my head Wednesday morning.  Add to that the fact that my last 2 races have been ably paced by friends–this time I’d be running solo.  In the end, I was pleased with the results.  I barely missed 3rd in my age group, but I was a top-ten female finisher–goals like these are reasonable in little races!

Jay’s running days are another story.  After over 2-months of IT Band Syndrome, he has seen 3 false-starts and little improvement.  This means he a) lacks a much needed release after working long hours at an extremely stressful job, b) misses the social outlet that his team provides, and c) struggles to feel like himself when so much of his identity is tied up in running.  After sober consideration and some soul searching, Jay made the difficult decision to back out of the Philadelphia marathon this November that he planned to run with all his Charlotte buddies.  He’ll still be there for the reunion and to give support, but competing is out of the question.  Needless to say, we’ve had some gloomy moments in the Holder household.

We celebrate and we pout.  Gladness and sorrow, sickness and health… at least we’re leaning into our vows.

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Jun 26 2012
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fartlek

It’s a funny word, and therefore one I like to use.  Apparently it means “speed play” in Swedish, but it’s essentially geek-speak for a structured interval workout. 

Today was my first fartlek.  While I have run intervals before (speeding up to anaerobic pace during a run, then returning to normal aerobic pace), I can’t say I’ve ever run them with much structure.  Today’s run was supposed to be 4 miles with 6×300 meters thrown in the middle, but since the West Side Highway doesn’t have 300’s marked along the way, Jay told me to do 6x1min instead (based on my 150 and 200 meter times last week).  After warming up for a mile, I set the timer on my watch to beep at me after 1 minute.  I pressed “start” and then ran my heart out until it beeped, slowed my pace for 1 minute, and then ran my heart out again.  I lost count half way through and figured out later I added a 7th interval, but I still covered the same distance, so no worries. 

And there you have it.  My first fartlek.  Glad it was so cool at 5:45am, but bummed I had to do it solo.  I’ll start doing speed work with Jay’s team (I’m still hesitant to claim it for myself) when we return from Julie’s wedding.  I anticipate it will be more challenging AND more fun to work out with other people. 

All of this to ensure that I’m actually in shape enough to enjoy the marathon in November.  One step closer to my fundraising and distance goal. 

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Jun 23 2012
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pride and pampering

It’s Gay Pride month, and this weekend is the culmination of all things GAY in NYC.  There’s a lot to celebrate in NYC (marriage equality was legalized this past year) and there is need to celebrate too.  I think celebration leads to awareness, learning and togetherness–it’s why we celebrate birthdays every year and Eucharist every week (or every day in some cases)!

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post-race recovery snack with gay sprinkles

In any case, I ran the 5-mile PRIDE race put on by the Front Runners (LGBT running club) and sponsored by Urban Athletics (the store Jay runs for and the team I’ll be joining shortly).  The course is said to be a fast one because the Harlem Hills are in the first mile so you get the worst out of the way early on.  Yesterday our friend/teammate Tanya offered to run with me.  Tanya is way faster than I am, but she was scheduled to do 50 minutes “easy” so it was a perfect match.  I took her up on her offer.

Before the start I told Tanya I was shooting for 8:05 to 8:10 pace.  I had run a 4-mile race with Tanya, her boyfriend Josh and Jay at 8:03 pace 2 weeks prior.  While I had two more weeks of training under my belt, this course was 1 mile longer.  8:05 seemed reasonable.

Just as we were about to cross the start mats, I looked at my Garmin to press start, but my screen changed at that very moment–I’d have to reconnect to satellites, etc.  Shoot.  Tanya said we’d just go by her watch instead, and she had set her “virtual partner” to 8:00 pace.  This was actually a God-send as I couldn’t keep checking my pace and instead had to go by feel and trust Tanya’s coaching.

Let me just say, Tanya is a rock star.  I learned so much running with her today.  In the first few minutes, she told me not to waste my energy weaving through runners trying to get ahead.  “You’ll make up time when it thins out and you’re running faster than you realize anyway.”  When it was time to weave some, she’d run ahead of me to clear the way.  She set goals for me, “See that rock?  That’s half way up the hill.”  She coached me on breathing, telling me not to work so hard on the down hills, but to let gravity do its job while I just concentrated on slower breathing to bring my heart-rate down.  She ran ahead of me at water stops to bring me water.  I was totally spoiled.  Add to that encouraging remarks along the way, as well as when to slow up a bit so I’d have gas in the tank for the end, when to pick it up in the last half mile, and when to go all out.  The end result was a perfect race at 7:54 pace and a sub-40 minute finish.  We were both pretty pumped.

Sadly, Jay missed my finish.  We were just too fast.

After the race, Jay and I discussed my ongoing training as we walked to the West side of Central Park.  My next race is a 5k at Sodus Point on July 4th.  It’s a Holder family tradition.  I confessed it would be hard to push myself on my own after being pampered with coaching and pacing help the past two races.  It’s a hot and hilly course.  But obviously Jay’s coaching (with help from friends) is paying off, so I’ll just keep rolling with it.  This is the most fun stage of training because you can see the results from week to week.  Soon I’ll plateau on speed and the excitement will be about reaching new mileage goals instead.  At least I hope that stage will be an exciting one!

For now, I’m a proud LGBT advocate and a pampered runner.

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Jun 19 2012
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holy moses: cpe

This summer is the summer of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) and it is pretty much all my seminary friends and I can talk about. It is eating my life away. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful–it is an honor to be at the heart of so much vulnerability and I am learning a great deal thanks to my patients and peers. But CPE is a doozy. One day feels like three, even on days I’m not on-call.

This week my supervisor had to put his dog Moses down. Given Jay’s and my recent move to the 1st floor of our building to accommodate our dog-child Pepper, I can appreciate the devotion of a four-legged friend and the tragedy of loosing a pet.

I am dealing with a loss of a different sort–loosing patients. I’ve had one patient die, one patient move to a hospice center to die, and one patient go home to live. Ok, I’ve had lots of patients go home–but the two patients I lost this week (to hospice and home) were two I was especially close with after days and weeks of being together. The patient who went home even called the chaplaincy office and left a voice mail for “Lorena” (as my Latino patients sometimes call me) to say thanks for the care this patient received. I wanted to say thanks back, but staying in touch is not an option.

For as much as I am loosing in CPE (patients, energy, my mind) I am clearly gaining a lot as well. Gracias a Dios.

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Jun 10 2012
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runderwear

You may or may not know that I accidentally signed myself up for the NYC marathon this fall.  I put my name in the lottery without even telling Jay, thinking it would be pretty funny if I got in and surprised him later on.  Well I did get in, and we were both surprised.  After recovering from the initial shock, I got pretty excited about a) running such an epic race, and b) running it for a cause.  It took 0.03 seconds to think of a cause–colon cancer–the disease that killed one of my dearest friends in March.  I’ve already raised almost $2k of my $5k goal for the “Get Your Rear In Gear” organization, honoring my friend Aimee and her family that I love so.  More on that here.

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we’re serious about kicking cancer’s butt

It just so happens that Get Your Rear In Gear had a 4-mile race in Prospect Park this weekend.  A few weeks back we hatched a plan with our friends/teammates Josh and Tanya to run said race in our underwear.  In other cities there are races where all participants run in their underwear to raise awareness of colon cancer and to promote the more open communication about… poop.  Colon cancer is finding younger victims all the time.  Since screening doesn’t usually take place until age 50, everyone needs to talk to the doctors about their bowels early and often.

And so we ran in colorful men’s briefs.  It took more courage than I anticipated, but no one even flinched at our get-up.  It is Brooklyn after all.

My goal pace for this race was 8:10-8:15.  Jay, Josh and Tanya all ran with me despite their far superior speed abilities.  Considering Jay’s IT band injury, I was grateful he could run at all.  They let me set the pace and I went out too fast.  Josh told me I was running 7:34 so we dialed it back.  The second mile was the hardest with a big hill in the middle.  Maybe the hill wasn’t too big, but it felt big after training on the flats of the West Side Highway.  At the end of mile three, I was pretty much spent.  Jay said, “One more mile.  The purpose of this workout is to have nothing left when you cross the finish.”  I told him I already had nothing left.  He responded, “Make this last mile 8:05 or faster.”  When I told him that wouldn’t be happening, he said I had to believe I could do it, at which point I said, “I love you, but I need you to shut up.”  He did shut up, but he also 2-stepped me the rest of the way, resulting in a 7:48 last mile.  I finished the race in 32:11 averaging 8:03 pace.  My comrades’ efforts had carried me farther than I thought I could go.  We were all pretty pumped.

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aimee would give the magenta briefs a thumbs-up too

There were several cool things about this race.  1) It’s great to know that my training (and Jay’s coaching) is paying off.  I want to be in shape enough for the marathon to enjoy it.  2) To see so many people passionate about ending colon cancer was truly awesome.  I had to fight back tears as one woman shared her story about losing her sister at age 33.  Several times in the race when Tanya could tell I was losing steam, she’d say, “Remember your friend Aimee.”  Jay and I both wore “Running in memory of Aimee” bibs on our backs.  I miss her.  3) At some point during all of this I turned to Jay and said, “We have arrived.”  To have friends in NYC who are willing to run in underwear and support me in this cause is a BIG deal to us both.

While we were quick to change out of our runderwear after the race, we did decide to hang on to our bright briefs just in case.  You never know when you might need to run in skivvies.  We’ll be ready.

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Apr 22 2012
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greater and lesser jihad

I’m on a peace kick.  I pretty much think and pray about how to bring more peace into the world all the time.  And I think about the tagline of this blog: “To seek and to be light.”

I’m writing a paper answering “What is the Muslim view of Peace?” and I have been struck by what jihad really means (struggle), and the difference between lesser and greater jihad.  The Prophet Muhammad basically said that the inner struggle is the greater jihad, and the struggle for social justice is the lesser jihad.

M. R. Bawa Muhaiyadeen, a modern Muslim spiritual master, explained this intentional juxtaposition thus:

“Be in the state of God’s peacefulness and try to give peace to the world.  Be in the state of God’s unity and then try to establish unity in the world.  When you exist in the state of God’s actions and conduct and then speak with Him, that power will speak with you.”

Aha.  Yes.  Something to post by my bed or on my mirror–perhaps on my calendar.  For as much as I am eager to learn all I can, hoping accrue as many peace-making tools as possible, I must not learn at the expense of intentionally being with God in both peace and unity.

Thank you, Islam, for giving this Christian perspective as we head into the final weeks of the term.

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Oct 08 2011
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learning to escape

before moving to west africa, i had to read and learn a lot about culture shock.  i was told that it was common to hit a major slump about 3 months into your stay–a truth i experienced, as did every other missionary and peace corps volunteer i know.  jay and i aren’t in west africa, but nyc is enough of a culture shock to merit that same reaction.  and 3 months into jay’s stay (he moved here before me) everything started to suck.  everything was draining.  and about the time he pulls out of his slump, i’ll likely fall into my own. 

so we hit the road.  we searched all over for b&b’s outside the city, near train stations and hiking trails.  our options were limited since it’s a holiday weekend, but we finally settle on Crabtree’s Kittle House Inn in chappaqua, ny.  were we dorks hoping to see bill & hillary clinton, who live a few blocks away?  yes. yes we were.

the good thing about the inn is that it’s less expensive that many places we looked at.  it’s not a b&b, but does serve a lovely continental breakfast.  it’s a 50-minute train ride from the city, and an $11 cab ride from the chappaqua station to the inn.  the bar and the restaurant provide lovely piano music on thursday and friday nights, serve up delicious meals and boast the most extensive wine list in the entire US.  indeed if you ask to see the “long list” of wines, you’ll be handed a 3-inch binder of wines ranging from $28 to $25,000.  very impressive.

the down side to the inn is that it can be noisy–a lot of people like to throw parties there–weddings especially.  we were glad we left saturday before 2 weddings came in.  also, the rooms are very clean, but a little stark–not as cozy as the rest of the inn.  and while the remote location makes it a quiet escape during the day, it also makes it hard to do anything but sit around unless you have a car…

so we rented one 🙂

ahhh, to have a car!  i didn’t realize how much i missed the radio!  the fast moving pavement beneath the wheels!  the bubble containing just me and jay!  you know i’m all about public transportation, but i really must admit that a car is a lovely luxury every once in a while.

armed with said car, we began our exploration.  first to wilkens fruit farm.  don’t ever go there.  remember how fun it was to go apple picking with your school buddies on field trips?  turns out kids still take field trips to apple orchards–700 kids to be exact.  we took a cute picture and left.

next we went to FDR state park because i was itching to walk some trails and jay was eager to appease me.  while our trail walking wasn’t as successful as we had hoped, we still got our fix of being outdoors, getting our feet muddy, catching some rays, and breathing in the fresh air, away from the sounds of construction, shouting and honking.  sweet.

on our way back to chappaqua, we noticed a sign for rye, ny, and made a quick detour.  jay had visited rye as a child and was excited to go back to the boardwalk.  i was excited to visit the birthplace of one of my best friends (jamie) as well as the church home of one of my favorite priest-geeks (father matthew moretz).  i think it’s safe to say we’ll go back to rye.

and that’s our trip in a nutshell.  we learned that you don’t have to go far to get out of the city.  we also learned that it costs about as much to go 50 miles as it does to fly to charlotte. hmmm….

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Sep 15 2011
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mean people suck

remember that bumper sticker in the 90’s?

there are many things i have wanted to write about the past few days–my time spent as a prayer minister at st. paul’s chapel (across from ground zero) this past weekend, dad and wade’s visit and help with our extreme apartment makeover, pepper’s adjustment to city life and learning to poop on the sidewalk, how much greek hurts my head, jay’s and my first “house” party… and on and on.

but yesterday’s adventure on the M23 bus with jay takes the cake.

two high school friends of mine, becca and christy, collaborated on a “dance in public” event on the east side.  i was eager to go, and jay agreed to check it out, so we hopped the bus on west 23rd until we reached the end of east 23rd.  we were sitting near the front of the bus, where the seats face the center aisle.  across from us sat two women, both with canes, with an empty seat between.  up walked a very tall and big-boned woman, and she sat between them.

now this woman was big in that she was tall and thick.  she was not morbidly obese.  and while i’ll admit i’m the first to insist on putting down my armrest in an airplane to protect my seat-space, i could not believe how poorly this big-boned woman was treated. 

the cane-carrying woman to the big-boned woman’s right started spouting off: “you are just sick.  you are fat.  you really ought to take a look in the mirror.  how do you expect me to sit next to you?”

horrified, i elbowed jay, who started listening in too.  the big-boned woman responded, “i’m not taking up your seat. i’m not sick.  i think i look fine.” 

the cane-carrying woman went on, “oh, just shut up, shut up.” 

it was crazy.  jay and i were both embarrassed for the big-boned woman.  jay turned to me and said, “if that old woman is still on the bus when we get off, i’m going to say something to her on the way out.” 

we hit another stop, and the old woman started up again: “look at yourself.  how can you not know you’re fat.  you are really sick.” 

i’d had it.  and knowing jay had my back, i spoke up.

“ma’am?  ma’am.  can you please be quiet.  what you’re saying is very rude.” 

“this is a private conversation and none of your business, ” the old woman snapped back. 

“actually, you’re on a public bus, and talking loud enough for us all to hear,” jay said. 

and this little exchange went on.  she made fun of me for calling her ma’am… “what are you, from the south?”  “yes ma’am.”  “well maybe you should go back there.”

jay told her she gave new yorkers a bad name. 

the big-boned woman smiled a “thank you” as she exited the bus.  the old woman exited at the end of east 23rd with us.  we made sure to steer clear of her cane, lest she whop us upside the head.

my hands were shaking after the incident.  in talking to one of my peers today about it, he pointed out that while speaking up was the right thing to do, it did require us butting into someone else’s conversation, and so you’re left with opposing feelings of right and wrong.  maybe that’s what makes people uncomfortable when approaching justice–at times you have to be wrong to be right.  i was worked up for sure.

a few minutes later we were watching becca dance, talking to christy and admiring a giant pink moon rise over the east river.  the beauty of the city was restored. 

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Sep 09 2011
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this is my solemn vow

well, we did it.  we got married.  though i did get a call from the register of deeds saying they are missing a witness signature on our marriage license, so i guess we’re not legit yet? but our hands have been joined and our vows have been exchanged, and two have become one.

every time i talk to one of my parents or to my friends, everyone says (even if they’ve said it before) that our wedding was perfect.  and it really was.  it’s amazing it went as smoothly as it did, given i moved up to NYC the week before for orientation… and truly thought about wedding stuff very little.  no time to!  let me tell you why the wedding was perfect.

a LOT of friends and family made it so.

sloan and jamie let me (and pepper!) stay with them the month leading up to the wedding.  sloan helped me put together programs.  lois ann carted me all around town to pick up stuff for hospitality bags (when i had no car) and then helped me put them together, and then dropped them off, and then hosted my pakifam.  boriana made our slideshow.  jenny and michael set up the projector for our slide show.  alice helped us figure out our wine and beer list.  molly gave us a 20% coupon to use on our mac’s bbq catering bill.  aaron picked up the kegs and paid off our wine vender.  eric managed the kitchen and bussed the tables during the reception while his daughter washed dishes.  nikki ran the whole reception and sweat buckets putting up and breaking down tables.  lilian helped me wash all the pint glasses we gave as favors.  john tended our bar.  anne and stark helped out with flowers.  lori lent me her veil and earrings.  colleen lent me her fastenator (flowers for my hair).  chris worked his magic on the organ, allie and katie sang beautifully, and aaron’s rendition of “shenandoah” on the mandolin was awesome.  my dad and wade totally transformed the blue room into a true reception hall. donna and greg threw an awesome rehearsal dinner.  my mom bought me the most beautiful wedding gown.  my aunts threw me a lovely bride’s lunch, complete with vases and tea cups they flew up from TX that belonged to my great grandmother.  farhan did a wonderful job reading, as if he were speaking directly to us.  verdery and john celebrated a beautiful marriage blessing and eucharist.  chip blessed us and the reception.  jamie brought pepper to us before the wedding so we could take pictures with her.  meggan and channing and my brothers picked up my dress.  mary brooks made took care of anna and baby stella.  john acolyted.  eden made yummy desserts.  aaron, dick, nate, jesse, pete, paul, stephen and pierce all stood by jay and kept him sane and made us feel SO special for being there–no matter the distance.  sloan, caitlin, erin and julie kept me sane as well as entertained, making sure i ate and drank, and just made me feel so loved.  steve and farrell let us crash their cabin for our 2-day minimoon.  and that doesn’t even include the people we paid to do stuff (our wonderful photographers, etc)…. are you getting the drift?  our wedding was perfect because we had A LOT of HELP!!!!  and from FRIENDS, all of them!

things that i thought were perfect:

jay’s grandpa’s blessing at the rehearsal dinner.  the toasts (and roasts).  the girls’ dresses/flowers/necklaces–they just looked perfect!  they boys’ suits/ties/pocket squares–it all looked so sharp!  my dress–it really was stunning, and i felt like the most beautiful girl i’ve ever been.  our moms–they were so beautiful, and we love them.  our dads–they both kept their cool and kept us cool too.  our granddads–how blessed are we that we each had a grandparent come all the way to charlotte.  the order of service–every hymn, reading and prayer was handpicked especially for us.  our food–who doesn’t love bbg?  our friends–they would have partied all night long if they could have.  even things that didn’t seem perfect at first were perfect after all–like our first dance that we thought went too long, but enjoyed it anyway because we realized it was probably the only time we’d get to talk until the reception was over.  and when it was over, we came back to the hotel and sat on the bed, still in our wedding clothes, going through the amazing photo-guestbook our guests help put together, reading cards to each other from friends and family, and laughing at the sheer beauty and blessedness of the day and our memory of it.

not to mention jay–the perfect partner for life for me–who loves so sacrificially and supports me so fully. 

i titled this blog “this is my solemn vow” because i said those words with so much intention and deliberateness at our wedding–every phrase of our vows i said as emphatically as i possibly could to jay, because i know how blessed i am to be bound to him.  like, ‘hey, monkey, i REALLY mean EVERY word of this!  i want you to know i mean this as much as i can possibly mean anything ever.’  i (like every bride, i would hope) am completely convinced i am the luckiest girl in the world for marrying jay.

so anyway, that’s a very long description of a very special day, made perfect by the people we love!  and while it may not be the most interesting blog post ever, i just can’t say thank you enough.  thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone that made our day perfect.  we will carry the memory of that day and your role in it with us forever.  thank you.

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Aug 27 2011
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welcome to my hood

you really don’t have to worry about looking like a tourist taking pictures in nyc, because everyone is taking pictures. i snapped a few while taking an evening stroll down the high line, which is conveniently located one block from my new home!

while i don’t want to upload them all, here are two pics from a little shrine i stumbled upon and showed to jay later.

this is a little random shrine to hope, with lots of little pieces of paper to write your hopes on.

and this is what i wrote!

a big thank you to whoever made this lovely shrine.

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